extreme low morale

currently feeling really low morale.

Haven’t been running for the past 2 weeks and was hoping for the physios to clear me to run today or maybe by next weekend and the answer is still no. This is so irritating, this is so demoralizing, and this is so depressing. Looks like whatever training I had done in the past 1 month plus is going back down the drain. Again.

So when you think enough bad news is here, it just ain’t. Discovered lots of new issues with the shoulder this morning and apparently it’s really bad. At this point of time, no one has any real idea how to treat my shoulder and everyone is just waiting for that injection to happen, pray that it works. if it doesn’t, then I will have to move on to see some specialized shoulder dude and doctors and blah blah blah.

I can handle tough workouts
I love the pain that comes with a good workout
I love challenging stuff
I just love it when I am pushed to my physical limits.

But this. Is a new limit.
Not-to-exercise-my-shoulder limit.
No running
No cycling
No swimming
No pushing through pain
Pain is bad.

What nonsense is this?!?!

Just not too long ago, I had this conversation with my friend.

Friend: bro, you’ve got to learn to take it slow.

Me: patience really ain’t my thing. That’s why I run a marathon fast.

-true story-

Hell yeah. Patience ain’t my thing. Especially when I can’t do anything. let’s just Sit down eat relax and get fat. be a useless bum that sits down and watch Korean shows? Thanks but no thanks. I rather be out pounding myself, smashing it, giving my body a hard time. I had enough for one lifetime for being unfit and obese.

So many people have been doing this YOLO (you only live once) stuff online. How about try being fit and healthy  and enjoy the beautiful world because YOLO?! Instead of going out partying till wasted YOLO? Or Korean drama YOLO?
Some people need to get their heads checked.

This mental battle.. is taking it’s toll. It’s not just a physical challenge, it’s a mental challenge as well.
How I wish, I could be pain free for a day. Just a day.
how I wish I could walk without limping, even if it is for just one day.
How I wish I could use my left hand to use the fork for just one meal.
Not easy at all. not easy.
All these wishes, I know certainly is not going to happen ever again in this life time.

I once thought I had great determination and my determination has no equal. Having to fight the inner demons and to keep pushing it through training and especially during the marathon at 31-35km. I have experienced real lows in life. Having my dreams shattered. Having lost a business. Losing everything you had. These got me through the marathon. Now, I am using the marathon to get me through my rehab and daily living. Having lost running And the ability to play musical instruments is a whole nice world of challenge. And this time, I have no escape route.

Never had a mental breakdown during my hospital/rehabilitation phase till recently. Never too late to have one they say. At least this shows I am human.

Just before I left hospital, one of the patients came to have a chat with me and he told me how he uses me as his strength and hope to be able to get back on his feet. He is now able to stand with some assistance. I was totally unaware of this “mentor” role but I am very happy for him and I must admit, I wasnt being the best motivator I could have been this morning. When he was told that I was an athlete, he said he would love to see me run a marathon soon. Looks like its true. When I run, I carry the hopes of others. But first.. I will need to be able to run again. and I have to learn to work on my emotions as well.

Maybe God just wants to put me in such a spot. To test me and to see if I can survive this. I don’t know. I don’t blame God. Although I don’t understand any thing. I am still extremely fortunate to be alive (although it was really freakish how this all happened. Stupid drain. I hate drains.) and I am definitely thankful to be able to be back on my feet. I still consistently think of my friends in the spinal ward and will continue to pray for everyone’s recovery.

Looks like.. the only thing for me to do now, is to treat this situation like it’s just another tough stretch in a marathon. Gotta keep my head down, concentrate on moving one leg after the other, keeping it consistent, not losing speed, endure and.. pray for the best.

Not by might, nor by power, but by the spirit.

Low morale or not, the race isn’t over yet. YOLO.

“Go hard or Go home” they say.
I say: Go hard till I go “home”.

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Sportsman Scientist Husband Victorian

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