me.

Sometimes i feel ok. Sometimes i feel like crap. and sometimes i feel on top of the world.
Dont i need to have a little more control over my emotions so that i can be a better and happier person?
Does that mean that i will have to be seriously involved in a religion?

Pain. I love Pain.
Just yesterday, we had lab to some game analysis and i was given the GPS tracker to track my movement on the court. Ran my hearts out, played my hearts out. Was it really for the data? or was it for the fact that for the 10 minutes i will have no emotions. Even if there is, the only emotions will be towards the game, towards the situation.

Pain. How i do without you.
Accident happens and i scraped both my knees, leaving a trail of blood down my legs and into my white racers, making them pinkish.
Do i feel the Pain? I do.
Do i love it? Yes i do.
Am i sick in the mind? I really have no answer to that now…

The pain made me feel… alive..

Made me feel that whatever i am doing is not a bad dream. This is the reality, because i can feel pain.
I am so lost in my own world.
The world whereby i struggle to understand charlene.
The world whereby i struggle to let go of emotions.
The world whereby the scholarship may fall through due to recent events..
The world that might just have made me a worst person.

Who doesnt inspire to be a good man. A BETTER man? someone that others can point their fingers to and say “hey, i wanna be just like him! He’s awesome!”. I want to be that man. Not because i want the fame or recognition. But for the very fact, i know that i am doing my best not to hurt the people in my life. The very people that shared my ups and downs. The very few people that i love.

Then again. LOVE. I guess at the end of the day. The only LOVE is that from a parent to their child. Even parents do not love each other 20% as much as they do for their child. Even parents do not love themselves more than their child. So. I have finally understand why the ang mos do not say “I love you”. cause love from another party other than your parents is bullshit.

The reason why we all love something that is non-living (music, sports, food) is because they will never leave us when we are in our worst slump. Come on! They are non-living things, of course they will be there! as long as you have the cash to burn, they will be there. surely!

I am beginning to see on point in this what-so-ever LIFE. It is so shallow. It is so fragile.
Is it made up of dreams? passion? love?
i seriously doubt so.
I have yet to figure it out. But maybe, just maybe, this is the reason why there are people who are so into religion. People who are willing to give up their “live” to become nuns of churches/temples and monks or pastors. To unfold the mystery of life.

Do i need some alcohol to numb my soul? yes i do.
I have never been a fan of alcohol. especially since my car accident. However, in recent times, this baby, this alcohol crap, has been making me so much better. It has made me more calm.
I guess a little is no harm.
Just a can a day. Something for me to look forward to.

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Zac

Sportsman Scientist Husband Victorian

One thought on “me.”

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