“…Intelligent girls are more depressed because they know what the world is really like…”
I read this somewhere online recently and it really struck a chord. Honestly, at the beginning of this year I thought I had it all figured out. I had:
A committed relationship headed for engagement and marriage.
A job to kickstart the career I truly wanted.
A happy, healthy family.
A handful of loyal friends.
I mean isn’t that what we are all in pursuit of? Happiness. Health. Stability. Faithfulness. Stress-free relationships that don’t take a toll on our hearts cos love shouldn’t be that hard right?
2018 was like a heartbreak anthem stuck on repeat. Six days in and I was emotionally done. And to think I had an entire blog post dedicated to that relationship, with some of the most beautiful words to describe how it felt to be in love… Ah well. Disrespect. Dishonesty. Disappointment. 2018 also reintroduced me to apps like Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble and Happn. I went on so many dates that I eventually got so sick of hearing my own voice that I had to take a break. Have you ever been sick of your own life story cos you’ve repeated it so many times? Yea, don’t try it. Not fun. Thankfully, the rest of that list stayed intact so HALLELUJAH.
Met a seemingly decent chap that turned out to be a big sociopath with major issues, got into a brief relationship with someone who was great for the most part but then couldn’t practise what he preached and behaved like a child when we agreed on a mutual break – darlings, I’ve had the worst luck in the love department.
Having all these bumps in the road increases my awareness of the type of people that exist in the world. Don’t get me wrong, girls aren’t innocent either and in no way am I pinning the fault on an entire gender. But looping back up to the quote I shared, I now truly understand the phrase “Ignorance is bliss.” Cos knowing too much is a curse.
Take marriage for example. That’s one of the most sacred things in the world right? It’s a vow you take to commit to your partner for life, in sickness and in health, happy or sad. And growing up that had always been the goal. Once you ascend to that level, you’re pretty much guaranteed happiness for life. But as an adult, watching marriages around you shrivel up and die like mosquitoes in the winter wipes away the rosy picture of “love” and just makes you a cynic, to be honest.
But I must say, I’m ending this year with a quiet smile. I found a man who ticks off all my checkboxes, who doesn’t bring anything but love, understanding, open communication and the heart to keep working things out step by step to the table. I haven’t felt this steady in a long time so for Aloysius, I’m very grateful. Someone who, just like me, wasn’t looking for anything cos the dating game was just too exhausting. We hung out as friends at the start only to realise that him being away from Singapore sparked romance and a sense of longing. And now here we are, juggling an LDR. What a story lol.
However, a cynic takes time to warm up to an idea that has become too foreign so not gonna lie, there are doubts. What I must stress is that doubts are natural but it’s up to you to manage those feelings and then let them pass. If you harbour them for too long they become permanent fixtures in your being and that’ll leave you bitter forever. Choose light & love. My wish for myself next year is to have just a little more faith, for my sake. Be happy, Christy. You deserve it.
Like I mentioned on my IG stories a couple days ago, if I were to pinpoint the top thing I felt like I did exceptionally well this year it would have to be being brutally honest with myself. Whether it was to look inward if a friendship/relationship hit a road bump or to admit I could be better at certain things – I owned up to myself. And that was extremely freeing. You guys see me being brutally honest and a pure savage on my socials but now you know I do it to myself too. No double standards here.
So if there’s one thing I wish for all of you reading this for the new year ahead, that’d be it. Be honest with yourself. Accept that maybe things could be better if you changed your behaviour, put more effort into loving people dear to you, that toxic relationships just aren’t worth it or that the company you keep is actually weighing you down rather than lifting you up. Food for thought, darlings.
Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year, everyone!