2015 just whizzed past and it’s already 2016?!?!?!
So just a sum up of my 2015… it’s definitely filled with so many Ups and Downs… Like seriously. One of the year by far with the most happenings of all, which leaves me don’t even know where to start.
I remember for the start of the year I was already worrying about my future career, even before I graduated! It was my last semester in Uni so I was quite flustered. I don’t even know why -_- I even went about sending my resumes and applying for jobs when I can’t even commit full-time LOL. Okay, but my school hours was very short, like 12 hours a week and I squeezed it into 2 days… Moreover I don’t even go to school much and always skip it for yoga.
and my assignment results was a reflection of my actions!!! Was really regretful when I learnt that I failed two modules’ assignments, serving as a wake up call that I have to study already. Moreover my attendance % was like 38% HAHA, i was so scared that I won’t be allowed to sit for my final exams and had to email the SIM admin to make sure I actually could. (Anyways my friend did tell me as long as I pay school fees they can’t bar me from taking my papers!)
So when I had to study I really studied.. Though I really felt that I slacken a lot. I used to burn midnight oil and kept burying myself in the books previous semesters.. but this very semester I was less hardworking, maybe I should say I tried studying smart instead of hard.
When I finished exams in May?? I was like omg reality hits, adult life is about to kickstart FOR RREALLLL. I wanted to join my mentor @ G_ initially, but scrapped that idea when I had another plan in mind. Went on BKK trip and had so much fun as usual. Some sparks created between someone & i and we shared a month plus of good moments.
Also went on a BFF trip in June with my soul sista!
I went on to apply for yoga teaching jobs abroad…..
That was when I stepped out further off my comfort zone to do what I loved, and thought I really wanted to- be away from home and reality. Actually at that time I have to say I really couldn’t bear to part w my loved ones here, but it was just one month. So I took the leap of faith, I went to Lombok, a place I didn’t heard of before I applied, somewhere really foreign, even though it was in Indonesia. Imagine, alone to a place you don’t even know, alone for 4.5 weeks for the first time.
TBH, I am independent dependent. I admit, I can be independent in many aspects, I am bold. But I need a lot of pampering as well, lol. My family treats me like a princess… and most of the time I want things my way, and will get it my way pretty often. But when I had to go somewhere alone, I can’t possibly be nitpicking and be so spoilt abroad. My good friend I made there, Via, said that usually she won’t be able to stand whiny and pampered girls like me, but I’m different. AHAHAHA I’m quite touched la, she’s really sweet- and she always comes to my rescue when there’s creepy crawlies in my room. Haha. I shared house with 3 other co-workers, and they were all very nice. One was from Slovakia, and she did tarot reading for me.
I got my heartbroken mid way in Lombok, but not at where I was. But nobody knows how one really feels unless they are them? I don’t say or show, doesn’t mean I don’t feel. Actually I don’t need a reminder on how I broke that person’s heart also, because it wasn’t my fault in the very first place. To me, trust is the most important thing in a rs, but he broke it. And we all know trust is not easy to be gained once it’s lost, no?? But again, sometimes when feelings still stay after so long, there must be more to just letting go, I guess? We’ll see because only time will tell 🙂 I shan’t elaborate so much but things, for now, I think it’s safe to say it’s on the right track??
And again, I’m super thankful for those who’ve been there for me through those days when I was in Lombok, sending so much love from SG. I had nights when I was frustrated and sad, days when I’m homesick & lonely, days when I cry to sleep…. But all that only made me a stronger girl and more appreciative and contented.
Then, stupid, impulsive me, wanted to continue to be away from SG… went to apply more overseas job, and plan was actually Dubai, but got Nepal for training before being able to go to dubai.. but i didn’t even manage to last in Nepal :'(
I felt so damn fucking sad my 4.5 days there. Initially already didn’t had a good start because my flight got changed WTF… and I was alone at KL for more than 24 hours… cried from the very beginning, every day until I was back. Thank God for good friends, thankful for people who cared so much about my happiness & wellbeing,, they got me back to SG. From this, I never felt so happy and relieved. I never felt more appreciative of this place I call HOME. I remember flying off on the eve of national day.. I left with a heavy heart coz I wasn’t ready yet. (Anyways all the nitty gritty details you can trackback & read from my – dayre.me/bunnybunnxx)
Came back and went through some family drama, making me feel so down and unsettled even when I was supposed to be glad to be home. There wasn’t peace at home.. and many things like this just made me lost more faith in guys… Anyway, that aside, I realised I wanted to settle down in sg, find a full time job and earn some moooooolahs. Sent many emails on job applications, and went for numerous interviews, but it’s either I didn’t find something I like or they don’t want me T_T
When I finally got offered a job at a bank, I was elated and actually went to sign the contract on impulse… which I later regretted loads.
I was supposed to start in Nov but due to my december’s planned HK trip w mom & sis, I had it postponed and pushed back to Jan (coz no training in Dec).. Went on a holiday to BKK in October. Celebrated my birthday in October with my favouritest pals!!! And then went GoldCoast+ Brissy with Sister in Nov, HK in dec & BKK in end dec+1st week of jan.
what did i miss??? Life is not easy but everything has been fruitful. It’s either a lesson learnt or a blessing counted. 🙂
 by the way, I then got a job as a full time yoga teacher and didn’t start my career in the bank, lol. but that was what I really wanted 🙂 [end edit]
I am not the kind who expresses feelings fully. When I care too much, I don’t show. When I love too deep, I hide a part of it. I have always hated to show the weak side of me, I always portray myself to be independent and strong, even when I break down, I do it quietly, unless it’s really too much.
I guess I’m the kind who always acts tough, even though it hurts inside, even though a big part of me does not want to let go, I allow others to influence my decision, and let others’ thoughts overtake my own voice.
I chose to be so heartless (I’m so sorry) sometimes not because I want to, trust me on that, I can promise with my whole life. Sometimes I choose to be mean, just because you can leave me alone, move on, and find someone better.
I never ever felt I was good enough to be treated like a princess by anyone else other than my family members. I am a spoilt brat who hates to lose, who always needs to prove her point. I am not giving, and therefore, I should not accept 100% tolerance from anyone. I felt that things between two people should be fair, and if I cannot give enough to equate to the other person’s efforts… Not even close, I choose to forgo. I know it may be stupid, but as I said I also care a lot about what my family and friends think.
and believe me, when I said I don’t want you to waste your time, I really really mean good, I really don’t want you to wait for something that you don’t even know when or if it’ll ever happen. And I truly mean it when I’m not good enough, I mean, we could be together but there’s so many people out there that you could try to be with, a part from myself..
I believe in doing whatever that’s best for the person you care about, and that’s what I’m doing- even if you disagree so damn strongly, I don’t want you to regret in the future thinking, “I’ve wasted so much time on chasing that one person and my efforts have been wasted.”
I really wanted you in my life again when I see you trying so hard now but people around me kept telling me it’s not enough, and I really wished they could feel the way I do and see the things I see, but that being said, whenever I think of all the things you lie about, I’m still so scared 🙁
(Right from the very start when I got to know about everything, I wished they were all not true, or not all true. When everything got exposed I felt so cheated, not of feelings, but of so much trust. I told my friends all the good things about you but I never expected that one not-so-good thing about you could hurt that much.
To be honest I always had trust issues, especially so when ED entered my life and destroyed many parts of me. It totally killed my entire trust on so many people and so many things, not just outsiders but also closed ones like family and friends… Not until I got over it after 2 years and had my first r/s in 3 years that didn’t turn out anywhere near well.
When you stepped into my world I never doubted you, at all. I knew about your past reputation but in my eyes, I see for myself that when we hang out and communicate you weren’t that person that I thought was/ you were used to. I was really happy when I’m with you and the thought of you makes me smile from my heart, and in my dreams.)
^ even now when I’m typing that I really miss you, and us back then, thinking back on all the laughters we shared, hahaha. But I already shut you off and I guess there’s no room for regrets unless you ever come and talk to me again ._.
No matter how much I want to have you back, I am going to push you away,.. For now… Maybe when you stop breathing down my neck like these, I will miss you, and time will let me forgive. Till then if I still mean this much to you, I hope you’ll come back for me. If not, I’ll be happy when you are :’)
<edit> this post was dated 17th, but I only published it now coz I didn’t want my personal feelings to be publicised… but then again now I think no one really reads my blog if I don’t advert it so heck it!!!.