Frustrations about love

I’m getting bad again.
I can’t stop overthinking. 
These thoughts keep haunting me and replaying in my mind. 
There is simply no peace in my soul and my mind. 

I’m frustrated, because I don’t get love at all.

And I’ve had enough. 
I really need to get it out of my system. 

Recently, I have new thoughts or rather, fears towards love. 
One person has been constantly trying to reassure me and give me faith to believe and me patient, 
& for that I’m thankful that you’re my friend 
and you’re here with me.

But still, I can’t be fully convinced. 


The love story that gives me hope,

In sometime March last year, 
my cousin got into a motorcycle accident back in JB. 
He flew off his bike, and his helmet flew off as well; which meant he suffered serious head injury.

He had to undergo three ops, 
of which I believe made him lose some brain matter.
He forgot some things, even his age; thinking he’s 19 when he’s 26.
He was lively and talkative, but now has speech difficulties.
 His limbs have less strength now too. 

Although he is now much better, it was a difficult time for him and his family. 
& he wouldn’t have made it through without the love and care from his girlfriend. 
She stuck by him for 6 years and even after the accident,
She still stood by him.
“What are words if you really don’t mean them when you say them” right?

She quit her job just to be his 24 hour guardian. 
She put on a lot more weight during this time but yet she’s so beautiful.
The way she looks at him, cares for him, knows everything about him,
it’s the most amazing thing. 
For the first time in my life, 
I could believe that you CAN find someone  who loves you more than your parents. 


The one

To date, 
I struggle with this theory. 
Is there really the one? 
OR are there many “the one’s?

Let’s assume, 
there is the one for everyone. 
Then how would you know?

Base it on feelings?
Let’s face it. 
FEELINGS CHANGE. (Today I feel happy tomorrow I feel sad and angry and this and that)
It’s got to be more than that, don’t you think?

My third relationship, 
was the one I gave the most. 
Ever since then, I’ve felt like I don’t know how to love anymore. 
I have a lot to give, but I don’t know how. 

And then people come along, 
saying they “like” or “love” me
but I don’t register their actions as love at all. 

They confuse me, 
as to what love really is. 
How do we accept the love we think we deserve?
When I don’t think anyone knows love at all?

The story,that made me struggle more with the concept of finding “the one”.

My friend shared with me that he was with his ex for 4 years.
And he did consider marrying her.
He had parental consent and at that point in time, 
he was considering to sign on and so he would have a stable income.
But he eventually did not sign on, so I guess the question wasn’t popped as well.

After entering the U, they kinda drifted apart.
With their relationship worsening due to the lack of communication,
they eventually
broke. up. 

From someone you thought you’d marry, to someone you once knew
How can I accept that and just move on?
Like okay, good for you that you found out you wouldn’t work out before you married,
But aren’t you scared?
How would you know if the next girl you date will really really be the one you want to marry?
I feel scared for you.

But well, I know you guys will tell me;
if you made a mistake,
you can file for a divorce.
As of now, I’m not pro-divorce because I’ve seen how much it affects the kids.
I don’t think the children should suffer from our mistakes.
That is the most fucking selfish thing you can do. 

So yeah I rather be scared of not being able to choose the right one, 
than tell myself there’s always a way out.


This era

I’ve heard this excuse twice
and I’ve had enough.

What age already? It’s the 21st century already”

To that I say a big “Fuck you”

WE ARE THE PEOPLE OF THIS ERA, WE MAKE THE ERA, WE DECIDE HOW THE ERA SHOULD BE.
I know, in these times, people are more open about physical things, about sex. 

Sure, go ahead and make out with that girl in the club. 
But if you meet someone you’re really interested in, 
do you treat her the same?
Do you try to touch her and get to her and say ” I guess cause I really like you?”

NO YOU DON’T.
YOU SHOW HER RESPECT
YOU SHOW HER THAT YOU’RE SERIOUS
THAT YOU’RE NOT JUST PLAYING WITH HER OR AFTER HER BODY OR JUST IN FOR SOME FUN
You take time to actually know her and not mix everything up.

Just cause the gazillion other people out there
take off their clothes 
kiss each other and call that love
DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME.

If you’re open about physical acts to the girls at the club and treat the girl you really like the same way,
HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO FEEL DIFFERENT.
How can she know that you want to know her for who she really is?
How can she know that you look at her and think she’s beautiful because of her soul and not whatever’s on the outside?
How can she know that you love her?

Do you guys hear what I’m saying?
Even as a girl, 
when I meet a guy I’m interested in, 
I keep my physical distance.
Why would you want to complicate things?
Or cloud your vision about your feelings towards the person?
What if you end up being together just cause you guys made out and stuff?
What’s the point of the relationship then?
Don’t tell me there’s love cause there is none. 

Basic respect people, for yourselves and for her.
Respect the relationship you two share. 

Can more people make love and less people have sex?
Can you stop complicating love?

Why can’t we be old school again?
Send love letters,
make mixtapes, 
bake, 
sing love songs, 
take walks in the park,
spazz across the phone to each other,
dance on the streets

Maybe I was born in the wrong time. 


 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

It’s been a while since I’ve been to church.
And maybe that’s partly the reason why cannot feel love in my heart and I cannot understand it. 
But this definition of love, is one I would always go back to. 

Love is patient
Love waits.
It does not hurry and rush into “relationship” status
Because if it’s your love, then it’s meant to stay. 
I’m not saying you take forever to make your intentions known.
But I think if someone can give up on you so easily, it’s not really love is it?

Love is kind
I think if someone loves you, and even though you made a mistake, they wouldn’t make you feel worthless.
They would sit down with you, talk about it and resolve the issue.
Not make you feel like shit and not hold it against you. 
They would be kind in their words because they know words have power and they wouldn’t want to hurt you unnecessarily because that means hurting themselves too. 
If you are in a abusive relationship, whether verbal or physical;
please leave.
Do not put up with it any longer,
don’t swallow your tears, pride and ego anymore. 
It’s not worth it because it’s not love.


I’d like to end by saying, 
be careful of how you make the girl feel.
But before that, I think you need to examine your intentions towards her, 
and tailor your actions accordingly. (Same for girls honestly)

How do you want her to register you as,
a fling?
a potential?
a friend? 

I will not go into the “no status”es cause that’s complicated
but if that’s what both of you want then yay okay everyone’s happy.

Valentine’s day is around the corner;
and I really hope the couples are happy.
As for us singles, I guess we need to keep the faith.


UPDATES 

If you’re concerned and curious about me, 
I have a few updates for you about my life I guess?

1) Check out my lookbook tab above
I’d be updating as and when I can.
As for now,
it’s mostly my CNY ootds.
I need someone to help me take my OOTDs more often.

2) I’m done with internship/poly
HURRAY HURRRAY FREEDOM

For now, I’m  taking some part time event jobs
Like being Nexcare ambassador at the Teenage Magazine event at Bugis Junction over the next couple of days.

I also need to settle uni applications :/

I wanna do up my faceless fashion blog as well ASAP.

I’ve been diligent in clearing my driving stuff as well!
Just passed my Basic Theory Evaluation and BTT is on 31st March
Will now go for final theory lessons ^^

Picture

Soon, this shall be the driver’s seat!
with love, xoxo

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